September 28th, 1996

"Astronaut Shanon Lucid, back on earth after a record six months in space, was welcomed home Tuesday with a phone call from President Clinton. Said the President, 'This is just the beginning. One day we will be able to send an American in to space indefinitely and I hope it's a woman.'" [Picture of Hillary Clinton shown.]

"In election news, the latest CNN poll shows Republican candidate Bob Dole pulling to within just ten points of President Clinton. A spokesman for the Dole campaign said 'That's impossible!' "

"In Los Angeles this week, the defense suffered a setback in the second O.J. trial when Simpson was ordered to turn over a secret videotape which lawyers say contains proof of his guilt. What's on the tape? The first O.J. trial."

"America's most eligible bachelor, John Kennedy Jr., married fiancee Carolyn Bissett last weekend. The ceremony went off without a hitch, except for an embarrassing moment when a slightly tipsy Ted Kennedy bumped into the groom, dropped his trousers, attacked the maid of honor, attacked the maid of honor's roommate, attacked the maid of honor's aunt, vomited on the photographer and finally passed out peacefully on the wedding cake."

"This week, fighting along the Northern Iraqi border escalated as 20,000 Turkish troops, backed by warplanes and helicopters, launched a massive attack against a tribe of Kurdish rebels. In retaliation, the Kurds fired back with their secret weapon -- the tiny clump of dirt."

"In the Midwest last week, Bob Dole charged that if President Clinton is re-elected, he'll put Hillary Clinton in charge of welfare reform. Asked to respond, President Clinton said, 'Yes, it's true. Also Chelsea will be secretary of state and my brother Roger will take over as drug czar. Oh and one more thing -- I'm still gonna win.' "

"Last week in Arizona, Marine Corps Engineers extended a steel barrier between the United States and Mexico by two and a half miles. It's all part of a plan to make illegal aliens walk an extra two and a half miles."

"This week Dr. Kervorkian was granted an emergency 30-day permit to carry a handgun, after telling a court he fears 'right-wing nuts.' But if you ask me, I think he's just getting a little lazy."

"Civil Rights legend Rosa Parks, heroine of the 1955 Alabama bus boycott, paid a visit last week to MTV's 'Choose or Lose' bus. The visit turned ugly however, when Ms. Parks was forced to give up her seat to Kurt Loder."

"Twentieth Century Fox has announced that Macaulay Culkin will not be hired to star in 'Home Alone 3.' Studio spokesmen said, 'It's nothing personal, but with Culkin now 16 years of age the only way to keep him in the film would be to make the character retarded.' "

"Speaking in Florida earlier this week, Bob Dole launched his harshest attack yet on President Clinton, accusing him of 'naked failure of leadership' and 'moral confusion' in the fight against drugs. In response President Clinton said, 'Everything you say is true. But guess what, I'm still gonna win.' "

"The Federal Aviation Administration has come up with a list of 30 changes to make air travel safer. No. 1 on the list: no more crashes."

"At the box office, last week's No. 1 movie, 'The First Wives Club,' was knocked out of the top spot by the new film, 'The Hotter, Younger, 2nd Wives Club.' "

"In business news, two of the nations leading office supply retailers, Office Depot and Staples Office Supply, have announced a merger. Wall street insiders are calling it 'the most boring merger ever.'"

"Boxer Tommy Morrison, who is HIV positive, has announced plans to come out of retirement for one last fight. When asked about the possible health risks that his opponents face, Morrison said, 'They might get AIDS.' "

"In Bridgeport, Conn., the Shaghticoke Indian tribe is seeking recognition by the Bureau of Indian Affairs in order to open either a manufacturing company or a casino ... Hmmm, I wonder which one they'll choose."

"According to the EPA, it will cost an estimated $295 million to clean up toxic waste at the former Lockheed Martin Military Air Craft Plant in California. The cause of the toxic waste, you guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

First grade pervert "In Lexington, North Carolina, the principal of an elementary school has been harshly criticized for a controversial decision to suspend a 1st grader who kissed a girl in class, on grounds of sexual harassment. Now while this may sound like an overreaction, it should be noted that this is the first grader."

[skit with WU Correspondents Olympic Gymnast Kerri Strug{real}
& brother Skippy Strug{Chris Kattan}]

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.