October 5th, 1996

"In less than 24 hours, the first presidential debate of the campaign will be underway, and today both candidates were at Hartford's Bushnell Auditorium for some last minute fine-tuning. President Clinton is still deciding which themes to emphasize in his opening remarks while Bob Dole is deciding whether to pull the fire alarm or phone in a bomb threat."

"A new CIA study may reveal that as many as 15,000 U.S. troops were exposed to Iraqi chemical weapons during the Gulf War. Although their exposure took place in March of 1991, the debilitating effects were not discovered until November of 1992, when all 15,000 voted for Ross Perot."

"As Baltimore and Cleveland meet this week in divisional playoff action, the big story in baseball continues to be Oriole second baseman Roberto Alomar, under a dark cloud for spitting in the face of umpire John Hirshbeck, then telling reporters the umpire's performance has been sloppy ever since the death of his son. Asked to comment, Cleveland catcher Sandy Alomar, not to be confused with Roberto Alomar, told reporters, 'I'm Sandy Alomar, not to be confused with Roberto Alomar'."

"According to newly released confidential memos, presidents of the nation's largest tobacco companies decided as early as 1964 that cigarettes should contain increasingly higher and higher levels of nicotine. Asked to comment, a spokesman for the tobacco industry said 'Really. That's interesting,' then got plastic surgery and moved to France."

"Despite pressure, jailed Whitewater swindlers Jim and Susan McDougall are still refusing to testify about President Clinton's role in the scandal and some are charging that the President has secretly promised them a pardon in return for their silence. Well, in a candid interview this week, the President admitted that he might consider pardoning the two, but only after making 'Every effort to have them killed in prison.' "

"Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry is in hot water again. This time, for bringing 54 government employees with him on a trip to a posh West Virginia resort. According to Barry, 'That's how many guys it takes to keep me from smoking crack.' "

"Last week in Calcutta, India, Mother Theresa suffered a slight concussion when she slipped and bumped her head. Doctors say the eighty-six-year-old nun is completely back to normal except for one interesting difference ... she now hates poor people."

"The October issue of Penthouse, now on newstands, contains a picture billed as 'The Alien: the World's First Authentic Photograph.' A survey of Penthouse readers finds that 60 percent think the photo is a fake while only 40 percent think it's real. All 100 percent however found it 'Surprisingly easy to masturbate to.' "

[Critics Corner: Bill Clinton{Darrell Hammond} reviews 'ID4']

"According to a new Entertainment Weekly poll, 72 percent of their readers would not be offended if a TV show's lead character were gay. Though that figure sinks to 1 percent when these readers are reminded that being gay can involve anal sex."

"Walmart stores have banned singer Sheryl Crow's latest album because of a lyric in one of her songs that says 'Walmart sells guns to children.' Oddly, the store made no objection to another lyric in the song: 'Walmart sells crap.' "

"After numerous requests, the National Institute of Health has finally granted funds to the University of New Mexico in order to test mice for the deadly hantavirus. Although I'm sure the government would have acted a lot sooner if, instead of mice, the hantavirus was killing off rich white guys."
("Applaud Now" flashes on the screen)

"In Connecticut this week, Glastonbury High awarded Thomas Hennessy his high school diploma at the age of 102. Way to go Thomas. In today's world, without a diploma, you've got no future."

"Finally, this week lawyers in the new O.J. Simpson trial actually found a prospective juror who claims to know nothing about O.J. Simpson, the murders, or the first trial, and who told the court 'I don't even know when it started or ended.' Unfortunately, the man had to be disqualified, when it was learned he'd been a juror in the first O.J. trial."

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.