October 19th, 1996

"According to a new CNN poll, Republican candidate Bob Dole now trails President Clinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman says that, despite these numbers, it is still possible for them to reach their ultimate goal to lose by seven points."

"While jogging on the beach in San Diego this weekend, President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote, 'You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar and you're a disgrace to the office of the presidency, to your gender and to this nation!' and then added, 'And I'm still voting for you.' "

"During a recent interview on '20/20,' longtime O.J. Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believes Simpson may be guilty. Though he did add that, had he believed O.J. was guilty at the time, he would never have agreed to hide his bloody clothes and knife."

"Joycelyn Elders' new book, 'Joycelyn Elders M.D.' came out this week. I read it." (Norm mimics masturbation motion)

"This week, London tabloids reported that model Jerry Hall has filed for divorce from Mick Jagger, ending a twenty-year relationship. Although I'm sure this is a difficult time for Mick, you know, it must be kind of exciting after twenty years to finally get a chance to sleep with other women."

"Meanwhile, Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New Jersey vowing, in his words, to prove Yogi Berra was right when he said, 'It ain't over 'til it's over.' Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, 'It's over'."

"Well, after a fifteen-year absence, the New York Yankees are back in the World Series and some New Yorkers have come up with a novel way of snagging those hard-to-come-by tickets: murdering guys with tickets and stealing them."

[skit with WU correspondent Harry Carray{Will Ferrell}]

"The New York Post reported last week that a prostitute charged with leaving her four youngest children alone in their roach-infested Brooklyn apartment had been under investigation for years as a negligent mother. What's more, apparently the woman was also a really lousy prostitute."

"Last week, a buyer in Oman payed $390,000 for a camel, the highest price ever payed for a camel. Even in the middle east, many are wondering why anyone would pay that much ... (looking at picture) Good god, that's a sexy camel. That is a- take a look at it's- I think it's his eyes."

"In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed and extremely fat."

"In England, a much publicized videotape of a naked Princess Diana having sex with her lover Captain James Hewitt has turned out to be a fake. But, on the bright side, it's still a video of two naked people having sex."

"And in Brunswick, Maine an outbreak of the deadly canine parvo virus has led to the local humane society killing many of its dogs. Gee, I wonder if the humane society would kill off victims of canine parvo if, instead of dogs, they were rich old white guys." ("Applaud Now" flashes on the screen)

"And finally, 'Weekend Update' would like to congratulate Madonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed in at six pounds, nine ounces, making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through Madonna's birth canal. [Shocked screaming and applause] Congratulations Madonna."

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.