October 26th, 1996

"This week presidential candidate Bob Dole sent his top campaign aide to Dallas in an effort to convince Ross Perot to drop out of the race and endorse the Dole ticket. Emerging from the two-hour meeting with Perot, the aide announced, 'I'm voting for Ross Perot'."

"In the final days of the Bob Dole campaign, Bob Dole has $19 million left to spend while President Clinton has more than $32 million. Dole plans to use his $19 million for TV ads, radio spots and mass mailings, while a confident President Clinton has allotted all of his $32 million to a crooked Arkansas land scheme."

"Though more indictments are likely in the Whitewater investigation, President Clinton is still refusing to say whether he will pardon former Whitewater associates Jim and Susan McDougall. But, when asked if he would pardon First Lady Hillary Clinton, the President was crystal clear, 'She does the crime she does the time'."

"At his civil trial in Los Angeles this week, O.J. Simpson's attorneys began their case with an attack on Nicole Brown Simpson's character. Outraged Brown family lawyers responded, 'Nicole is a victim, no matter what she did. She certainly didn't cut her own throat.' To which Simpson's attorneys replied, 'On the contrary, that is precisely what we intend to prove'."

"A new study funded by tobacco giant Philip Morris claims that the nicotine in cigarettes may actually help prevent Alzheimer's disease. Executives at Phillip Morris caution that the study is not conclusive, but just to be safe, everyone on earth should start smoking."

"This week, TWA announced plans to reconstruct the Boeing 747 that exploded in Flight 800. Man, talk about cheap."

"At a campaign stop in Florida on Thursday, a frustrated Bob Dole told a reporter, 'Something's wrong with America. I wonder sometimes what people are thinking about, if people are thinking at all.' At which point the reporter said, 'Can you repeat that, I was thinking about how I am voting for Bill Clinton'."

"Earlier tonight, the New York Yankees defeated the Atlanta Braves 3-2 to win the 1996 World Series. As a result, Atlanta Mayor Bill Campbell will send a bushel of delicious Georgia peaches to New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. Had the Braves won, Mayor Giuliani would have sent Mayor Campbell a bushel of delicious New York crack."
(Norm turns to the audience) "Have you tried the NY crack? It's delicious!"

[skit with WU correspondent Joe Blow{Colin Quinn}]

"Pop singer Madonna was outraged this week when a tabloid photographer snapped her picture while she was breast-feeding her new baby. Apparently the baby was blocking her nipple."

"An independent study released this week confirms that President Clinton has appointed more minorities to high-level government posts than any other president. For purposes of the study, women were counted as minorities and Attorney General Janet Reno was counted as a woman."

"Against the Jets last week, Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas broke O.J. Simpson's career rushing record. And, the week before he surpassed Simpson in career touchdowns. Next up for Thomas -- an attempt to kill 3 people at once."

"In Princess Anne, Maryland, state health officials have discovered what caused the mysterious death of 200,000 fish at a Somerset county fish farm. The culprit, you guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

"In Topeka, Kansas, the fire department is now using a new weapon to fight arson, a black Labrador trained to sniff out chemicals used in setting fires. Though it should be noted, if the dog is correct, the culprit in every arson fire this month, is some other dog's ass."

"In Madison, Wisconsin, a painting that depicts a large rat sucking at the breast of the Virgin Mary was removed from a high school art display due to complaints by local residents. The artist blamed the complaints on a lack of art education, while I blame the complaints on the fact that it was a painting of a large rat sucking the breast of the Virgin Mary."

"Finally, this week fire destroyed the home of Latin singing star Julio Iglesias. Music lovers everywhere had the same reaction -- 'Yes!' "

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.