November 2nd, 1996

"Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole began a 96-hour, 15-state non-stop campaign tour that will take him right up to election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a 'last- ditch effort,' while medical experts are calling it a 'suicide attempt.' "

"At a rally in California this week, Dole urged voters to ignore polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say, 'Dole loses in landslide.' "

"Meanwhile, a new development in the case of John Wong, the mysterious Indonesian accused of illegally raising millions for the Democratic party. Earlier this week, secret service logs show that Mr. Wong had visited the White House more than 60 times. But on Friday, administration spokesmen revealed that there are actually 2 John Wongs. Furthermore, they stress that the John Wong who visited the White House is a different man. He isn't the fund raiser. He's the guy who killed Vince Foster."

"Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World Series champions. And, this week, 3 million Yankees fans gathered on the streets of New York to honor their heroes. While the fans were of different ages, races, and religions, they shared one thing in common -- they were all standing in urine."

"The giant ticker-tape parade for the Yankees left nearly four tons of confetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks. But New York officials do have a plan for dealing with the confetti -- leaving it there to soak up all that urine."

"At an emotional press conference this week, a now exonerated Richard Jewell spoke about his ordeal as the chief suspect in the Olympic Park bombing. 'I couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat,' he said, then later he admitted, 'Alright, I could eat.' "

"In business news ... a British company has announced its intention to purchase telecommunications giant MCI. This after MCI called the British company's owner at home 5000 times."

"Ballots will be mailed out next week in the election for president of the Teamsters Union, with incumbent Ron Carey squaring off against Jimmy Hoffa Jr. Hoffa is eager to follow in his father's footsteps, except for that last footstep where he disappeared forever. That's the footstep he wants to avoid."

"Now that John F. Kennedy Jr. is a married man, who is the world's most eligble bachelor? Well, when reporters aked J.F.K. himself who he thought was the world's most eligible bachelor he said, 'Actually it's still me.' "

"A French government survey finds that Disney Land Paris is the most popular tourist attraction in the country. And the most popular ride 'Women Who Don't Shave Their Arm-Pits of the Caribbean'." (mis-pronounces 'Caribbean')
"There are 2 ways of pronouncing that and I got neither!"

"At the Simpson Civil trial this week, O.J. and Fred Goldman got into an explosive shouting match. Mr. Goldman bellowed at O.J., 'Don't give me that damn look.' While O.J. shouted back, 'I wasn't even looking at you. You're just mad 'cause I killed your son.' "

"In the December issue of Playboy, '60 Minutes' reporter Mike Wallace reaveled that he has not only smoked marijuana, but that it made him sexually arroused. According to Wallace he made these comments in an effort to frighten young people off sex and drugs forever."

"In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to handle the pain of losing the Presidential Election. Although he did admit that the shock of winning would give him a giant heart attack."

"In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed."

"In economic news ... unemployment figures rose slightly for the month of October, with declines in the Dow Jones and NASDAC. The reason for the sudden downturn, you guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

"Finally, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the worlds leading experts on the study of deviant sexual arousal, passed away last week at the age of 82. Dr. Freund's last words were, 'Whatever happens to me, could someone please make sure that the headline on my obituary does not contain the phrase "deviant sexual arousal"? Would that be to much to ask from you, you dirty bastards.' "

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.