"Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole began a
96-hour, 15-state non-stop campaign tour that will take him right up to
election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a 'last-
ditch effort,' while medical experts are calling it a 'suicide attempt.' "
"At a rally in California this week, Dole urged voters to ignore polls which
have him trailing President Clinton by double digits. In addition, Dole asked
them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say, 'Dole loses in
"Meanwhile, a new development in the case of John Wong, the mysterious
Indonesian accused of illegally raising millions for the Democratic party.
Earlier this week, secret service logs show that Mr. Wong had visited the
White House more than 60 times. But on Friday, administration spokesmen
revealed that there are actually 2 John Wongs. Furthermore, they stress that
the John Wong who visited the White House is a different man. He isn't the
fund raiser. He's the guy who killed Vince Foster."
"Well, the New York Yankees are the 1996 World Series champions. And, this
week, 3 million Yankees fans gathered on the streets of New York to honor
their heroes. While the fans were of different ages, races, and religions,
they shared one thing in common -- they were all standing in urine."
"The giant ticker-tape parade for the Yankees left nearly four tons of
confetti on Manhattan streets and sidewalks. But New York officials do have a
plan for dealing with the confetti -- leaving it there to soak up all that
"At an emotional press conference this week, a now exonerated Richard Jewell
spoke about his ordeal as the chief suspect in the Olympic Park bombing. 'I
couldn't think straight, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat,' he said, then
later he admitted, 'Alright, I could eat.' "
"In business news ... a British company has announced its intention to
purchase telecommunications giant MCI. This after MCI called the British
company's owner at home 5000 times."
"Ballots will be mailed out next week in the election for president of the
Teamsters Union, with incumbent Ron Carey squaring off against Jimmy Hoffa Jr.
Hoffa is eager to follow in his father's footsteps, except for that last
footstep where he disappeared forever. That's the footstep he wants to avoid."
"Now that John F. Kennedy Jr. is a married man, who is the world's most
eligble bachelor? Well, when reporters aked J.F.K. himself who he thought was
the world's most eligible bachelor he said, 'Actually it's still me.' "
"A French government survey finds that Disney Land Paris is the most popular
tourist attraction in the country. And the most popular ride 'Women Who Don't
Shave Their Arm-Pits of the Caribbean'." (mis-pronounces 'Caribbean')
"There are 2 ways of pronouncing that and I got neither!"
"At the Simpson Civil trial this week, O.J. and Fred Goldman got into an
explosive shouting match. Mr. Goldman bellowed at O.J., 'Don't give me that
damn look.' While O.J. shouted back, 'I wasn't even looking at you. You're
just mad 'cause I killed your son.' "
"In the December issue of Playboy, '60 Minutes' reporter Mike Wallace reaveled
that he has not only smoked marijuana, but that it made him sexually arroused.
According to Wallace he made these comments in an effort to frighten young
people off sex and drugs forever."
"In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to handle the
pain of losing the Presidential Election. Although he did admit that the shock
of winning would give him a giant heart attack."
"In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start,
employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire
more than one ex-convict will get robbed and killed."
"In economic news ... unemployment figures rose slightly for the month of
October, with declines in the Dow Jones and NASDAC. The reason for the sudden
downturn, you guessed it -- Frank Stallone."
"Finally, psychiatrist Kurt Freund, one of the worlds leading experts on the
study of deviant sexual arousal, passed away last week at the age of 82. Dr.
Freund's last words were, 'Whatever happens to me, could someone please make
sure that the headline on my obituary does not contain the phrase "deviant
sexual arousal"? Would that be to much to ask from you, you dirty
This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.