Editor's Note:
Comedy Central cut a few jokes towards the end, but the transcriptions were in the original file, so just no audio or pictures for then. Be ready with the pause button after the "subway station" joke.

Added to site: September 12th, 2002.

November 16th, 1996

Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news!

Our top story tonight: Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racist remarks made by some of it's top executives at a tape recorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change in company policy: No more tape recorded meetings!

Meanwhile the US Army is dealing with a scandal of it's own, as dozens of female recruits have charged drill instructors with sexual harassment, intimidation, and even sexual assault. Analysts are calling it the best argument yet for gays in the military.

Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a taskforce to determine whether federal campaign finance laws were violated by Democrats, Republicans, or both. Another taskforce will attempt to determine whether Attorney General Reno is a man, a women or both.

This week, in a secret ceremony in Australia, Michael Jackson was married for the second time. Asked what makes his new bride special, the King of Pop said, quote: “She has taught me the power of imagination. Like imagining that a grown women is a 10-year-old boy.” [Mixed reactions from the audience]

You know he's a homosexual pedophile, right? You understand...? [big applause]

And, yes, it is true, Michael Jackson is going to be a father. Already he has hired an entire staff of nannies, nurses and extra bodyguards, which hopefully will protect the child from Michael Jackson.

This weekend veteran news anchorman David Brinkley apologized to Bill Clinton for an election night commentary in which he called the president quote, “boring and uncreative”. Admitted Brinkley: “There was certainly nothing uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body.” [Mixed reaction from the crowd]

The president is a murderer, you didn't know that?!!

Nikki Varcudas, a young woman whose wealthy family owns a chain of profitable restaurants in New York, has won 23 million dollars in the NY lotto. This raises an interesting question: “Nikki Varcudas, will you marry me?”

O.J. Simpson was in a different courtroom this week, attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, O.J. pointed out, quote: “Hey they’re still alive, aren't they?!!”

Demi Moore has wrapped filming on 'GI Jane' in which she plays a navy seal combat officer. Moore says that in contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women in the military, her character will have giant breasts!

Wildlife officials in Maryland say that increased hunting will be necessary to control the state's black bear population. Gee, I wonder if hunting would be the answer if instead of an overpopulation of black bear's, there were an overpopulation of rich, old, white men. ("Applaud Now" flashes on the screen)

Yeah… yeah.

The New York City transit authority plans to put up signs in subway stations asking city residents to be more polite when getting on and off the subway. Most New Yorkers say the idea sounds great and that the new signs will make excellent urinals.

Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at an unusually high risk for stress-related heart attack. Also at risk for stress-related heart attack: deer!

In Washington DC reporter Alan Ether was doing a story on violence at a local high school, when he was attacked and severely beaten by a gang of students. The assailants say that they have nothing against the reporter, they just love irony.

80 year old Frank Sinatra recovering from a bout of pneumonia was apparently well enough last Saturday to bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson would defeat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina made him pay the 10 dollars, although later he had his people rough her up and take back the money.

Norm: Well, just when you thought things couldn't get worse for Bob Dole, [Bob Dole walks in] ohhh...

Dole: Hi Norm.

Norm: [startled] I was just, I was just doing a...

Dole: …I know. You’ve had your fun now Norm, now you’re out of work!

Norm: What? I thought I'd just do a joke about you. I had a little...

Dole: Well, you have been doing those… I’ve been missing a lot of them. But, ah, your fun’s over, the election’s over, unless there’s a recount, you're out of work!

Norm: Ohh no! OK well, I guess that's it. Maybe we could go have a beer or something. How would that be?

Dole: Be alright with me!

Norm: Alright! Bob Dole everybody. Good night folks!

Transcribed by: Guy Gardner
Provided by: steve