"Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald, and now 'The Fake News'."

"Our top story tonight, this week in Los Angeles civil court, an FBI expert testified that shoe prints left by the killer exactly match shoes belonging to O.J. Simpson. In response, O.J. stood up and exclaimed, 'Wait a minute. Wait a doggone minute. I just figured it out. The real killer is me!"

"Speaking in Australia this week, about the problems of being America's First Lady, Hillary Clinton joked 'Perhaps I'll walk around with a bag over my head when I come out in public and have no opinion, and never express them publicly or privately'. To which the President replied 'Yes, yes! Ohh god, yes!"

"Last week, at a dramatic press conference about the crash of TWA Flight 800, ABC news correspondent Pierre Salinger displayed a document which he believes is proof that the jet was shot down by a U.S. Navy missile. Later, he proudly showed reporters his solid-gold Rolex that he bought on the street for just fifteen dollars."
(Norm points at Pierre's picture) "One ugly bastard, isn't it?!! Good lord!"

"On Tuesday, the space shuttle Columbia began a 16-day mission with a crew that includes astronaut Story Musgrove at 61, the oldest person ever in space. NASA Command Center has already spotted the shuttle circling the earth at fifteen miles an hour with the left blinker on."
(applause, but Norm shakes his head)"That's not a good one..."

"John Hinkley is reportedly confused and upset, that prison officials won't give him weekend furlough. In an angry letter this week Hinkley wrote 'Give me one good reason why, and don't tell me it's because of that one time I shot the President! "

"Due to his recent heart bypass surgery, Russian President Boris Yeltsin is now restricted to one glass of wine per day. It should be noted however, in Russia, this is a wine glass!"(pulls out giant wineglass)

"Like a joke from the old Dean Martin show!"

"Well it's finally official, in a race marred by charges of voter fraud, California congressman Bob Dornan has lost his seat to Democratic challenger Loretta Sanchez by just 665 votes. Mrs. Sanchez credits her victory to hard work, determination and the fact that she voted 665 times."

"Baywatch star Pamela Anderson filed for divorce this week from Tommy Lee. Telling friends, that even though they had sex almost constantly, it wasn't enough to keep Tommy Lee from having sex with other women. You can read all about Tommy Lee's exploits in my new book: 'Tommy Lee, The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived!' "

"After 'Space Jam's' smash opening last weekend, Michael Jordan's promoters have good reason to turn him into a movie star. Apparently, there's still some money in the world he hasn't got yet."

"Actress Sherry Stringfield announced this week that she's leaving the hit series 'ER.' Several actors have already expressed great interest in the part including Shelly Long and David Caruso."

"In order to cut down on in-flight fatalities, American Airlines has decided to upgrade the medical kits on all it's planes. Each kit will now contain common life-saving drugs, a heart defibrillator, and a spare plane."

"Last weekend, in a dramatic rescue off the coast of Long Island, fishermen pulled a 300-pound man from frigid waters. They were alerted by his desperate cries of 'Help! Help! I'm starving, I'm starving!' " (laughter)
"A big, fat guy."

"Entertainment Weekly's list of the '101 World's Most Powerful People in Show Business' is out. At number one, Fox CEO Robert Murdoch, at second place? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

"A Connecticut hotel where Bill Clinton spent the night has donated to a charity auction a bagel the president ordered from room service but never ate. Though potential bidders should be advised ... while the president never actually ate the bagel, he did have, 'relations' with it."
(Norm then remarks)"Sounds delicious!"

[skit with WU correspondent Rodney Dangerfield{real} on being old]

"Folks, good night!"

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.