"Thank you, thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald and now 'The Fake News'."

"Our top story tonight, with growing indications that First Lady Hillary Clinton may be indicted for her role in Whitewater, President Clinton is reportedly starting to prepare for that possibility. Plans so far include renting a hall, hiring a band, and making a giant bathtub with margaritas."

"This week President Clinton made history when he nominated Madeline Albright be the first female Secretary of State. Responding to critics who say she's not the best choice, the President insisted, 'She looks a lot better after a couple of drinks'."

"Jonathan Schmitz, the 'Jenny Jones' guest who killed his secret gay admirer because of his fear and hatred of homosexuality, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison. Well, I guess that plan backfired!"

"Well the annual list of Most Dangerous Holiday Toys is out, Number one this year: Matel's new toy 'Eye Poker Outer'."

"According to researchers in Australia, Koala bears have fingerprints so close to those of human beings that they could easily be mistaken by police at the scene of a crime. It should be noted, however, the research was funded by O.J. Simpson."

"The New York Post has reported that Michael Jackson wants his closest friend in the world, Elizabeth Taylor, to be the godmother of his child. However, those close to the pair worry this could eventually lead to heated arguments over whether the child will be molested or eaten."

"This week, Donald Trump announced that he won $20 million by betting on Evander Holyfield in his recent fight with Mike Tyson. Trump says he went public with his huge gambling win, just in case there are a few people out there who still don't hate him."

"And it's been reported that Keanu Reeves is engaged to actress Amanda DeCadinat. Asked to comment, Keanu said, 'What? I thought I was gay."
"'I had always heard that I was gay!' "

"According to a new study, the less a woman weighs when she is born, the lower her chance of getting breast cancer later in life. The study was performed by the 'Center for Stuff You Can't Do Anything About'."

"In New York city, the city council has introduced a plan to give motorists 10 free minutes at parking meters. Cars left longer than 10 minutes will be stolen."

"In Amsterdam, a rubber factory has begun producing waterbeds for cows. Let that be a reminder to anyone who wants to legalize marijuana here in the United States."

"The newest trend in funeral homes across the nation, is a casket with an outside layer, that allows friends and family to write messages for their departed loved ones. The most popular message sofar has been: 'Stay as sweet as you are, have a great summer.' "

[skit with WU correspondent Lenny the Lion{Colin Quinn} on the holidays]

"That's all for now folks. Good night."

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.