December 14th, 1996

"Thank you folks, I'm Norm Macdonald and now 'The Fake News'."

"Our top story tonight comes from the O.J. Simpson civil trial, where this week it was revealed that in his first interview with police, Simpson had refused to take a lie detector test. His reason -- it detects lies."

"Meanwhile, Simpson defense attorney Robert Baker argued that a dark spot in a crime scene photo was a 'mystery shoe print,' suggesting that there were actually two killers. O.J. hopes this will support his theory that he did not act alone."

"President Bill Clinton and Russian President Boris Yeltsin have made tentative plans to meet early next year. According to the White House, the pair will use the meeting to resume their ongoing debate -- 'drinking vs. pot smoking'."

"The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking cigarettes. Although it should be noted, the drug is crack."

"A top aviation watchdog group warned this week that the nation's airlines are vulnerable to terrorist attack. The biggest problem apparently: watchdog groups pointing out to terrorists that airlines are vulnerable to attack."

"Over the next 2 months..., the murder... gagahagaha (roaring applause).
Over the next 2 months the number of border patrol agents in Tucson, Arizona will double to 49. Meanwhile the number of illegal aliens sneaking into the country will hold steady at 100 million billion. So..." (applause)
(Norm questions)"Did I screw something else up or something?"

"Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died last Monday at the age of 83. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until some nosy anthropologist digs her up in a couple of years."
(laughingly adds) "That's a nice obituary for the lady..."

"This week renowned heart surgeon Michael DeBakey attacked the hypocrisy of Hollywood stars who oppose the use of animals in medical research, and yet wear ribbons supporting the war on deadly diseases like AIDS. In response, animal activist Ricki Lake said, 'But the red ribbon diverts attention from my gigantic ass.' "
(Norm insists)"If it wasn't for the red ribbon people would, would notice my gigantic ass more.... By wearing the red ribbon less people..."

"Well the big seller this holiday season is Michael Bolton's X-mas album 'This is the Time'. Happy Birthday Jesus I hope you like crap!"

[skit with WU correspondents Beavis & Butthead{real, sort of...}]


"This week security guard Richard Jewel who had sued NBC over comments by Tom Brokaw suggesting that he was the Olympic Park bomber settled out of court with the network for an undisclosed sum. Meanwhile the FBI has a new 1-800 number for tips on the case. Curiously, the first call was from Mr. Jewell who suggested that they check out Tom Brokaw."

"This week, the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra, turned 81 years old, and was honored by having the Empire State Building lit in blue. Also in Mr. Sinatra's honor, the Empire State Building had the Twin Towers rough up the Chrysler building."

"Grocery and department stores across America have added reserved parking spaces for expecting mothers. Especially excited about the innovation are handicapped drivers, who will finally get to park in someone else's space."

"In a recent interview actress Goldie Hawn says that she does not mind if the man she is married to cheats on her. Explaining 'Sexual experimentation is a basic need of all men'. You can read more about Goldie Hawn's personal philosophy in my new book: 'Goldie Hawn, the Greatest Women who ever lived!' "

"And finally the number one selling doll this X-mas is Tickle me Elmo. And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it -- Tickle me Frank Stallone."

"Good night everybody. Thanks."

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.