January 11th, 1997

"This Monday the Supreme Court will begin hearing arguments over whether Paula Jones' sexual harassment suit against President Clinton may proceed. Jones, who claims that while Governor of Arkansas, Clinton exposed himself to her in a hotel room, says she can accurately and precisely describe the President's genitalia. But, White House spokesmen scoff, 'Any woman who's worked in the state of Arkansas for the last 20 years could do that!' "

"This week at the O.J. Simpson civil trial, the focus shifted from the defendant to the alleged character flaws of Nicole Brown Simpson. Attorneys for O.J. hammered away at her lifestyle, citing sexual promiscuity, drug use, and the fact that she married a double murderer."

"Eight letter bombs sent into the United States last week appear to have been mailed from the Middle East. FBI experts said it's too early to jump to conclusions, but, added, 'It's Richard Jewell.' "

"Russian President Boris Yeltsin was hospitalized for pneumonia this week triggering new worries about his health. Yeltsin himself remains unconcerned, however, because he's completely hammered."

"As of next week, ValuJet Airlines will discontinue service to Mobile, Alabama.
According to airline executives, this cost-cutting measure is expected to save the company over $200."

Ebonics expert "Despite recent criticism, the school board of Oakland, California, has voted to proceed with its controversial Ebonics Program for city schools. In fact, school board officials today announced the winner of the first city-wide Ebonics spelling bee. Fourth-grader Soon Duk Kim."

"Dallas cowboy stars Michael Irving and Eric Williams were cleared of sexual assault charges yesterday when their accuser admitted that she made up her story. According to the woman she concocted the hoax under duress after being kidnapped and held at gunpoint by Greenbay packers Anton Rison and Reggie White. Dallas police promise a thorough investigation."

A plea for attention "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince says he now wants to be known as simply, the Artist. Meanwhile, I will continue to refer to him as simply, the Fruit."
"In other music news, several major acts are on tour this month, including Counting Crows, Metallica, and the Fruit."

"The FBI, still pursuing its investigation of the Olympic Park bombing, has decided to launch an Internet Web page. Net users can log on to view crime scene photos, leave tips, and try to guess Richard Jewell's weight."

"And in medical news ... A new test can now detect prostate trouble months earlier than any previous test. The only down side: It involves shoving some huge device up your ass."
(quips)It's not all gravy you know...

"In Norwich, Connecticuit a local museum has mada a long overdue effort at racial reconciliation by returning 21 ancient tribal artifacts to the Mohegan Indians. But as for everything else in the country, we'll be keeping that."

" It's good news really we don't need to give anything back!"

"The most famous vineyard in France Chateau Mouton Raphael, has been getting complaints about a new wine label which features a skecth of a naked women. It should be noted however that the sketch is of Sally Jesse Raphael, so..."

"Nobody wants to see that..."

"After forty years in California, the Los Angeles Dodgers are up for sale and many New York fans are calling for the team to return to Brooklyn. It's all part of a plan to mess with Dole's mind."

[skit with WU correspondent Courtney Love{Molly Shannon}]

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.