"Late yesterday, the House subcommittee investigating Newt Gingrich finally issued its long-awaited report recommending that the Speaker be given a reprimand and a $300,000 fine for minor ethical violations. Gingrich has promised to come up with the money promptly, although he admits it's going to involve giant ethical violations."
"Meanwhile, with President Clinton's second inaugural approaching, attention has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities. According to the White House, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear a gown by Oscar de la Renta, Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer George ensemble, and attorney general Janet Reno will be outfitted by Rochester Big and Tall."
"This week in arguments before the Supreme Court, lawyers for President Clinton asked that the sexual harrassment suit brought by Paula Jones be delayed untill he leaves office. According to Clinton's attorney: 'If the President were hauled into court everytime some nut accused him of sexual harrassment, he would have no time to scare up some tail'."
"He likes scaring up the tail. OK..."
"In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he didn't commit suicide only because, 'My mother told me you don't go to heaven if you kill yourself.' Oddly, his mother did say, 'It's okay to kill other people.' "
"In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said, 'We don't want to rush to judgement like we did in the Olympic Park bombing case,' but then added, 'It's Richard Jewell.' "
"Basketball superstar Michael Jordan has scored a slamdunk with his new men's fragrance, selling a million and a half bottles of Michael Jordan cologne in the first 2 months. No the scent doesn't smell like Michael Jordan after a game. It smells like Patrick Ewing!"
"This week, the Reverend Jesse Jackson called for an end to his boycott of automaker Mitsubishi, citing improvements in job opportunities for minorities, and also the fact that he couldn't find a word that rhymes with Mitsubishi."
[skit with WU correspondent Colin Quinn on 'Apologies by the Media']
(big applause, Colin exits, Norm adds)
"I owe Colin an apology! I thought that piece would die."
"In New York, state-of-the-art, self-cleaning public toilets may soon appear on city streets. In a survey, New Yorkers expressed their enthusiasm for the outdoor toilets, noting that they are very easy to urinate on."
"Beginning in March, D.C. comics will change Superman's traditional red and blue costume to a new, form-fitting bodysuit. The problem with the old costume? Not gay enough."
"What the hell is going on in the country? That's not Superman! Alright..."
"Last week in Canasota, New York, fight promoter Don King was elected to the International Boxing Hall of Fame. King graciously thanked the Hall of Fame for the honor, then took all its money and left it bankrupt."
"In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of 'The Flintstones.' Experts say that children who saw the broadcast called it the greatest 'Flintstones' episode ever."
"In literary news the ever reclusive J.D. Salinger will publish his first book in 34 years. Asked what inspired him to finally write again, Salinger said 'Get the hell off my lawn!' "
"Following the passage of a new city ordinance, strippers are forbidden to give lap dances in the city of Houston, Texas. or as I refer to it: Nazi Germany."
"Ridiculous, completely ridiculous!"
"According to the 'U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide', the best job in the United States for the second year in a row is 'interactive business system analyst.' However, last year's worst job, 'assistant crackwhore,' has been replaced by a new worst job, 'crackwhore trainee'."
This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.