"Our top story tonight: In an unanimous verdict this week a Santa Monica jury found O.J. Simpson liable for the wrongful deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, awarding the plaintiff damages in the amount of 8 million dollars. O.J. Simpson said he has nowwhere near that amount of money and that his only remaining asset is 30 pairs of Bruno Malley shoes."
"As the jury's decision was announced, Nicole Brown's sister, Denise Brown, told reporters 'I feel ecstatic!', while Johnnie Cochran said, 'I accept the verdict and now we must move on.' Meanwhile, Kato Kaelin said, 'Please God, don't let it be over!' "
"The announcement of the verdict came toward the end of President Clinton's annual State of the Union address and, to many observers, completely overshadowed the event. Even the President was distracted during his speech, waiting to hear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife."
"In other news authorities in Pontiac, Michigan are trying to determine if Dr. Jack Kevorkian was involved with the death of a woman who was found in the back of his suicide van. You know I'm no expert in police work, but: YES!"
"Meanwhile 5,000 disabled Americans were in Washington, last week to protest doctor-assisted suicide. On a sad note, the demonstration turned ugly when all 5,000 disabled people fought over two handicapped parking spaces."
"I told you it was sad, it was sad."
"Disgraced former presidential advisor Dick Morris revealed this week that President Clinton phoned him two days after the election. Pressed as to what the two men talked about during their three-hour conversation, Morris said: 'Whores'. "
"Skater Tonya Harding, banned from competing for the U.S. because of her part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback this week when her request to skate for Norway also was rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic that she'll get the OK to compete for 'The Republic of White-trash-istan'."
"And, in business news, American Express has announced plans to lay off 3,000 workers. According to the company, employees will be notified of the layoffs with pink slips reading simply, 'Don't Leave Home.' "
['Hollywood Minute' skit with David Spade]
"This week, the California Department of Corrections confirmed that Lyle Menendez and model Anna Erikson were married in prison. Following the ceremony Menendez spent a romantic wedding night being raped by two white guys and a big black guy."
"TriStar Pictures is planning a film about the '70s disco act, the Village People. While the movie will be coming out next summer, it plans to wait until Thanksgiving to come out to its parents."
"Actor Bruce Willis is fliming his next movie the 'The Broadway Brawler' in Wilmington, Delaware. Meanwhile his wife Demi Moore is taking a break from movie work saying that she wants to spend more time with her huge breasts."
"Well how is this for a coincidence: last week in NY 3 sisters each had a baby on the same day at the same hospital. Though it should be noted the 3 women were in different hospitals, they are not sisters and they didn't have babies. Also they were 2 guys."
"Still kind of a coincidence if you think about it..."
"According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, Missouri, anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution, or soliciting prostitution will have his name posted on a local cable channel. If I can be permitted a personal comment, while the plan's goal of publicly shaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it is important to remember, in this democracy of ours, that Norm Macdonald is a very common name."
"And finally, sources report that Michael Jackson's baby is due February 27 and it's going to be named Michael Jackson Junior. Michael plans to be with the mother during the delivery, in his words, to make up for not being there for the contra-cep..."
(having messed up the punchline, starts again)
"And finally, sources report that Michael Jackson's baby is due February 27..."
(Norm stops reading and adds)"Conception, the last word was conception."
This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.