"This week in the civil trial of O.J. Simpson, the jury which had earlier had found him liable in the deaths of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson, this week tacked on an additional 25 million dollars in punitive damages. On hearing the news Simpson declared 'This is far from over'. Asked to clarify that statement, O.J. said 'I'm going to kill more people. What did you think I meant?' "
"Just after hours, just hours after, it works both ways.... Just hours after President Clinton again pledged to clean up the democratic party's fundraising operation, the Whitehouse announced he will attend a million dollar fundraiser next week. However spokesman Mike McCurry stressed that at this event 'Donations from Indonesia or other foreign countries will not be accepted, unless they are left in a brown paper bag under the sink in the men's room'."
"More bad news for the President, this week convicted Whitewater swindler Dave McDougal claims that his ex-wife Susan McDougal had an affair with Clinton while he was governor of Arkansas. The President denied the charges adding 'If you really knew me you would know that I was always faithful to Jennifer Flowers."
"In an angry speech last week, Cuban leader Fidel Castro called on the United States to give back the land he claims was stolen from Mexico. An area that includes California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas. US officials immediately denounced the idea insisting that it will only lead to Mexicans sneaking into Nevada."
"At a veteran's hospital in the Bronx yesterday 4 Playboy playmates were on hand to wish the residents a Happy Valentine's day. One veteran that was there called it an afternoon of hellish, agonizing, sexual frustration!"
"On Wednesday Michael Jackson and wife Debbie Rowe became the proud parents of a 7 lbs 10 oz baby boy. Asked about the baby's appearence the family spokesman said he has Debbie's eyes, LaToya's mouth and one of Michael's noses."
"And according to his dad the 3 day old boy is a regular chip off the old block. In fact he has already molested a 1 day old boy."
"Here is an interesting sidebar to the story: during the delivery the doctor allowed Jackson himself to cut the umbilical cord. Michael then took the cord home so that the elephant man's remains would have a new playfriend."
[skit with WU correspondent Colin Quinn on Clinton's fidelity]
"The Irish rock band U2 kicked off their new tour in New York city yesterday, making a surprise appearence at a downtown K-mart. Fellow Irish performer Sinead O'Conner was also on hand, but she works there."
"Well it's Oscar time once again and 'Breaking the Waves' star Emily Watson was nominated for 'Best Actress'. Asked to comment, Watson said 'Who the hell am I?' "
"Never heard of myself!"
"Senator Strom Thurman, at 94, the oldest person ever to serve in Congress, has been hospitalized this week with a bout of the flu. Doctors who examined the senator thoroughly, got kind of nautious."
"Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire, sentenced to death for killing a rooster won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially off the hook with local authorities he still must face the family of the rooster in the Civil trial, so..... (applause) ...he may be giving up a few milkbones or whatever..."
"Stephen J. Hawkings the renowned astrophysicist, regarded as Albert Einstein:s intellectual successor, conceeded defeat this week in a wager he made 6 years ago with 2 professors of the California Institute of Technology. Hawings incorrectly bet against the existence of naked singularities: a mathematical point in a black hole where space and time are infinitely distorted, where matter is infinitely dense and where the rules of relavistic physics break down. With all due respect to Mr. Hawkings: 'What the hell were you thinking?!!
(applause) I would have taken that bet, made a quick 20 bucks!"
(picture of a fish shown)
"In northeren Florida, refuse from a paper mill caused female fish to develop male sex organs. In a related story:Attorney General Janet Reno..."(picture switches to Janet Reno, audience cheers, Norm waves the cuecard guy to skip and go on to the next joke)
"Connecticuit legislators are about to pass a law that would make it illegal to prohibit breastfeeding in public. Then hopefully these legislators will change this fascist law, that the person being breast-fed is a baby."
"Well here is a sign of the times, this summer for the first time ever you will need a reservation to get into Yosemite National Park. Officials say that those hit hardest by the new regulations are the squirrels."
(Norm quips) "Gary Larson is writing for the show now..."
"And finally first place in Weekend Update's 'Most Romantic Valentine' contest goes to David Delaferra of Carny, New Jersey. Yesterday Mr.Delaferra, who works as a fireman here in the city, climbed the ladder of the firetruck to the 3rd floor office window of his girlfriend Alexandra. There with a dozen roses and a wedding ring, he proposed to her in front of all of her co-workers.
And coming in last place for the 3rd year in a row: O.J. Simpson."
"And that's the way it is folks. Good night!"
This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.