February 22nd, 1997

"In a startling reversal, Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would NOT resign as Whitewater Special Prosecutor, and that now he intends to stay on until the investigation is completed. This new development apparently did not trouble a confident President Clinton who still plans to resume making conjugal visits to Susan MacDougal."

"This week in Moscow, Secretary of State Madeline Albright and Russian President Boris Yeltsin sat down to discuss the delicate issue of NATO expansion. On emerging from what was described as a tense meeting, Ms. Albright said, 'For this I traveled 5,000 miles, to meet with some drunken Meshugina. On my worst enemy I wouldn't wish this.' "

"Meanwhile, the Indogate scandal continues to widen. Internal Democratic National Committee records now show that fundraiser John Huang was responsible for bringing two Chinese businessmen to the White House for a $180,000 'coffee' with the President. That works out to $90,000 for a cup of coffee, though, in the President's defense, the coffee was Starbucks."
(Norm explains)"Starbucks is a little pricy."

"This week in Washington, several prominent Democrats joined Republicans in pleading with Attorney General Janet Reno to investigate fundraising abuses. And also to shave."

"At a book signing in New York this week, Fred Goldman once again offered to forget the millions owed to him by O.J. Simpson, if he would simply admit to the Brentwood murders. A visibly annoyed O.J. responded, 'Why in the world would I do that, when I have no intention of paying you anyway.' "

"After American Airlines decided this week to cut fares by 50 percent, the four other major airlines said they would match the bargain ticket prices. Also fighting to stay competitive, discount carrier ValuJet announced that it will now accept stolen credit cards and bad checks."

"Michael Jackson has reportedly stepped right into his new role as a dad, spending many hours a day with his newborn son, doing the changing, the burping, even the breastfeeding."
(Norm comment)Nice when a fellow does that...

"In Wisconsin, students at Menomonie High School are desperately fighting efforts by the politically correct to change their team nickname, 'the Indians.' Already opponents of the name have rejected the students' first compromise, 'the Drunken Indians.' "
(Norm adds)"They feel that's almost worst in a way..."

"'Bessie the Cow,' the most famous bovine citizen of San Antonio, Texas, is now listed in 'Ripley's Believe It or Not' after giving birth to her tenth set of calf twins. Bessie also made 'Ripley's' under the category 'least original name for a cow.' "

"And finally, in medical news there are reports that suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian is considering retirement. As Kevorkian put it: 'I always said I'd quit the day it stopped being fun.' "

NORM: Now ladies and gentlemen the moment we have all been waiting for here, the King of All Media: Howard Stern!

STERN: Thank you. Thank you Norm. You know a lot of people are wondering what I'm doing here tonight and quite frankly I'm wondering what I'm doing here as well. Actually I'm on the road promoting my new movie it's opening up March 7th, it's called 'Private Parts' and I want to invite all of America to come see it, that's what I'm doing here cause quite frankly I didn't want to come here tonight.

NORM: You didn't want to come here?

STERN: Yeah, I'm here under the guise that I'm the...

NORM: The television critic.

STERN: Television critic. What a lame premise. But yes I'm the Television Critic and I must tell you I'm here to review SNL. And I'm here to say that I think that 90% of SNL sucks, the sketches are kind of weak I think we'll agree I think the only good thing on SNL is Norm (applause) quite frankly that's why I'm here. He loves it when I say that.

NORM: No, no, I feel, I feel -- bashful.

STERN: Oh really! So anyway, Norm is the fun aspect of this thing and they even asked me to do a couple of sketches.

NORM: [enthusiastically] Yeah, yeah!

STERN: It didn't go well. I suggested a couple of sketches. So what I said to them was, tell you what, you have Kathie Lee & Regis and they are talking about me and they are saying bad stuff about me and Kathie Lee is saying 'I can't believe he has a movie coming out and all this and he makes fun of Cody and calls him the Incubus and he says I hope Cody grows up to be like a gay senator or something...' and it's all wrong so I figure while they are bad-mouthing me I come in disguise as Fartman, my supehero character, and I just blow Kathie Lee's head off and this would have been a great sketch. (big cheers)
But they told me I couldn't do it, because they didn't have enough time to make Kathie Lee's head explode, you know. So then I said what if we do a sketch, where me as Fartman, I come into Elisabeth Taylor's hospital room and while I'm in there I just blow that tumour right out of her head. She is in a coma and the tumour just lands in a chocolate box and then Liz, when she wakes up, grabs the tumour thinking it's chocolate and eats it. It would be a phenomenal sketch! But anyway they wouldn't let me do any of this outrageous stuff, so I'm here to behave myself basically and just promote my movie. So what I'd thought I'd do tonight, Norm, is give everybody a first look at a clip from my movie 'Private Parts'.

NORM: That would be cool!

STERN: This is me, take a look at this, this is me when I am a young DJ. I look a lot different. I had a very geeky hairstyle, as opposed to my Louie XIV look that I have now. And it was the first time I was in Hartford and a celebrity actually came on to me. She invited me up to her hotel room and I want to show that right now if you don't mind.So take a look at this clip, it's from 'Private Parts', the movie, on March 7th.

[rolls 'Private Parts' movie clip]

Action, Howard Stern style
(Update desk is surrounded by 7 bikini-clad babes, making out with each other)

STERN: Well, there it is! That's a clip from the movie 'Private Parts' I think everybody is gonna love it. I suggest you go to the theatre and quite frankly it's a very sensitive love story between me and my wife. And you see what's going on here, Norm? (babes start making out with Norm and Howard)
A lot of this kind of stuff isn't in my movie at all.

NORM: Is there any of it at all?

STERN: Well some of this kind of stuff is in my movie, but it's not all of this kind of stuff.

NORM: Alright Howard!

STERN: And you are really going to love it. I want everybody to go to the theatre. It's me as a DJ coming on and becoming 'The King of All Media'. I think you are going to love it. Good night everybody!

NORM: Howard Stern folks! (Norm covered by bikini-clad babes waves goodbye)

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.