March 15th, 1997

"Our top story tonight, yesterday President Clinton undewent a 2 hour operation to repair damage to his knee, suffered in a fall while visiting in Florida at the home of professional golfer Greg Norman. Many were surprised to hear that the two were on friendly terms since Greg Norman had once threatend that if he ever caught Clinton with his wife again he'd smash his kneecap with a 5-iron."

"The President spent last night at Bethesda Naval Hospital in a private room which he shared with three Chinese businessman who came up with the required $200,000."

"More bad news for O.J.. This week Harper Collins reached an agreement with the Brown family to publish his late wife's diary. Especially troublesome to Simpson is this final entry: 'Dear Diary, I have to run now because O.J.'s here to murder me and also the guy who returned my glasses. I think he might murder him too' "

"In North Carolina, a legislative panel has agreed on a bill which guarantees a murder victim's family two front-row seats to watch the execution. The ruling has angered both North Carolina's death penalty opponents and death penalty season ticket holders."

"And in Fairbanks, Alaska a new high tech emergency phone system will give operators the name and address of anyone who calls 911. (pulls recorder out)
Note to self: Ahh, don't make any more prank 911 calls in Fairbanks, Alaska."
(misses pocket)" I know I have a pocket here somewhere..."

"President Clinton this week declined an offer by Republicans to form a bipartisan commission to scale back annual increases in Social Security. Asked why he rejected the proposal, the President said, 'Personally, I liked the idea of a bipartisan commission. However the two Chinese guys who gave me a million dollars, just wouldn't go for it!' "

"And in financial news ... H.J. Heinz has announced plans to lay off 3,000 workers. According to company spokesmen, employees who refuse to budge will be turned over and shaken vigorously until they slide out."
(Norm explains)"Much like Ketchup..."

[skit with WU correspondent Colin Quinn{real} on St.Patrick's day]

"In Portland, Oregon 8 anthropologists are in court arguing the constitutional right to study a 9,300 year old native skeleton which a local tribe wants to re-bury. Though the case has merit, authorities are suspicious that one of the people involved in the suit is not really an anthropologist."
(picture changes to Michael Jackson, Norm points hecticly at it)
"It's this guy over here."

"In New York, police have arrested a local Queens man, whom they are calling the 'serial fondler.' Apparently the man suffers from an intense desire to run up behind women and squeeze their buttocks. Psychologists call this behavior 'normal'."

"This week, the White House asked Congress to authorize $175 billion in funds for highway construction, mass transit, and other transportation projects. The President's plan has significant support in Congress but many Washington insiders are wondering, 'How exactly this benefits China?' "

"In New Mexico this week, the lawmakers passed a measure to abolish the state's 15 year statute of limitations on first-degree murder.
Note to self: Cancel plans to return to New Mexico."

"Asked recently what will set his new Batman film apart from it's predecessors, 'Batman & Robin' director Joel Schumaker said: 'In this one all the costumes will have nipples.'
(applause) Note to self: Don't watch the next 'Batman & Robin' movie."

"In Deluth, Minnesota, authorities suspect that Arson is to blame for a fire that destoyed a mobile home and killed 73 cats. The chief suspect sofar: this dog." (picture of dog shown) Dogs don't care for cats much, you know? How could they not know that?!

[skit with ex & current 'Little Orphan Annie'{Cheri Oteri & Ana Gasteyer}]
(after skit Norm seems oblivious to continuing the update, all his attention focused on how to dispose of a lit cigarette that was left behind from the sketch)
"Well, that [sketch] was fun, wasn't it? (looks off camera since soembody must be motioning to him and responds) "What's that? Yeah I know. Ohh, you want me to say that? You would like me to say that?"
"Thanks ladies(referring to the sketch castmembers), and parents: keep your kids out of show business!"
(looks off camera again) I said it!

"Weekend Update's... (the camera Norm is talking into blacks out, view shifts to a side camera, Norm is unaware and is still facing the inactive camera)
...1997 survey of the 'Most Dangerous Jobs in America' is out today. The biggest change, last year's Number 1, 'West Coast Rap Star', (Norm realizes that he is looking into the wrong camera, looks into the right camera and comments)
You know it would probably be better if I was over on this camera... (audience cheers, and camera view shifts back to the original, Norm switches to the active camera and comments) Well, now that I'm over at this camera it would be better to put the cards back over here! (more applause, Norm starts reading again)
...last year's Number 1... (stops reading) Why don't we start at the start of the joke now?! (there is some delay, probably while the cuecard guy is trying to reorganise the cards, Norm comments) OK, no that's alright. I'll just make it up."

"The 1997 'Most Dangerous Jobs in America' is out. And this year a little bit of a change: last year's Number 1: 'West Coast Rap Star', has been knocked out of the top spot by the new most dangerous job in America: 'East Coast Rap Star.' "
(only gets a few chuckles from the audience, Norm adds) "Imagine if it had all gone well!"(audience cheers)

"And finally next week, people everywhere will celebrate Saint Patrick's Day. Or as alcoholics refer to it: Monday."

"That's it folks, good night."

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.