March 22nd, 1997

"Our top story tonight, late this week, President Clinton and Russian President Boris Yelstin met in Helsinki to discuss the sensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part, Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is right for Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying he must do what is right for China."

"On Thursday in a stunning admission, the Liggett Group, makers of Chesterfield, Lark, and L&M cigarettes acknowledged publicly that their cigarettes are addictive and do cause cancer. Hours later, the four other major tobacco-makers Reynolds, Phillip Morris, Lorillard, and Brown and Williamson issued a joint statement saying quote, 'Today's announcement comes as no surprise. Everyone knows Liggett cigarettes cause cancer'."

"Also this week a California newspaper revealed that O.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his children mainly because a court-ordered psychological test showed that he is a loving father. It should be noted, however, that the same test also showed that he was a loving husband."

Following the surprise withdrawal of his nominee Anthony Lake, President Clinton has chopsen active CIA director Georde Tenant to head up the agency. Now all he needs is the approval of the House, the Senate, and this Chinese guy. (picture of asian man shown)

In Washington this week, the Supreme court is having arguments on whether or not pornography should be banned from the Internet. According to veteran court watchers, eight Justice's are leaning towards a ban, with one against. Gee, I wonder which one would be against a ban on pornography? Let me see now...(picture of Clarence Thomas shown)

"Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computer scientists have developed a version of the Internet that is up to one hundred times faster than the current system. According to analysts, those using the new system to log onto America Online will now be disconnected in three one thousandths of a second."
(Norm comments)"You ever get onto a computer? Know anything about it?"

"In Congress, members of the House Women's Caucus say prosecution of sex offenders must be the Army's top priority, despite concerns of racial insensitivity on the part of investigators, which would be the second priority. Then, I guess, the Army's third priority would be defending the nation.

"Well this coming Monday is Oscar night and three films: 'The English Patient', 'Secrets and Lies' and 'Shine' are locked in a tight race for the category: 'Best picture there is not a chance in hell I will ever see."
(Norm adds)Not interested in those at all

[skit with WU correspondent Dominican Lou{Tracy Morgan} on Oscar movies]

"A person who suffers two sharp, powerful blows to the head within a short period of time can suffer brain damage or even die. This according to a new study in the medical journal 'DUH!' "

"This week, a London tabloid published the first exclusive pictures of Michael Jackson's baby, secretly taken by a guest at the King of Pop's Neverland Ranch. Upon seeing the pictures, Michael said, 'This is not my baby,' then quickly added, 'I'm not saying he isn't hot, he's hot, it's just not my kid'."
"I'm not saying he isn't a very sexy infant, he's just not mine."
"I would love to have sex with him, he is just not my child. It's all I'm saying."

"This week pilot Linda Finch marked the 60 year anniversary of Amelia Earhaert's attempt to fly around the world, by setting out on her own round the world flight. Finch took of on Monday from the same Oakland, California airfield as Earheart, and hopes to reach Europe by next Wednesday. By Sunday evening, if all goes well, she plans to mysteriously disappear forever."

"In music news, Dr. Jack Kevorkian has performed and recorded a one-hour CD of his own jazz compositions for the flute. You know, Dr. Kevorkian, I've listened to your CD and I've got some advice: Don't quit your day job, alright. You know, murdering old people."
"Stick with that. Stay away from the flute and stick with the murdering old people. Just my advice!"

"A report by assisstant treasury secretary Jim Johnson shows that the arrest rate for church arson is more than twice the national average for arsons in general. Note to self: Start setting fire to something other than churches."

"Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatles memorabilia took place in Tokyo. Among the one-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul McCartney's birth certificate, a white Mercedes-Benz owned by John Lennon and rarest of all, a photo of George Harrison not looking haggard."
(Norm asks) "Have you ever seen one? When you think about it..."

"And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgian doctors have accidentally cloned a human being. The human being? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone."

"Well, Reader's Digest has released its 1997 list of the best and worst places to raise a family in the U.S. The best place is Sheboygan, Wisconsin, while the worst place in America to raise a family: the Neverland Ranch."

[skit with President Clinton{Darrell Hammond} on "Absolute Power"]

"Danny Wilson, 17th floor[???]. Good night everybody."

This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.