"Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald and now 'The Fake News'."
"Our top story tonight: this week, after months of speculation, sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres
finally admitted that yes, she's gay.
Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really,
really, really gay."
"In a radio interview this week, First Lady Hillary Clinton scoffed at
conspiracy nuts, as she called them, obsessed with Whitewater and compared them
to cult figures, or cult groups rather, fascinated by UFOs and the Hale-Bopp comet.
Alhough she did concede one point of similarity between Whitewater and Heaven's Gate:
'39 castrated dead people'."
"Two professors of medicine at Rutgers university say that they are developing a pill, which can
give women orgasms without having sex. (females in the audience cheer)
Read all about this revolutionary discovery in my new book: 'The World's Most Dangerous Drug."
(more cheers & Norm adds)"The women clap at the premise and the men clapped at the punchline."
"The White House says that surviving relatives of those who died in a 40-year-old
federal study which allowed men infected with syphilis to go untreated,
will get an official apology from President Clinton. According to the
President, 'If not for the sacrifices of these brave men, I would not be
alive today.' "
"On Capitol Hill this week the House unanimously passed a measure which would prevent
prison inmates from being counted as household members for purposes of food stamp eligibility.
Note to self: Find new way of fraudently obtaining food stamps."
"Recently, a group of Orthodox rabbis declared that other branches of Judaism
are, 'not Judaism at all', thus challenging the religious status of millions
of American Jews. This week that statement was rejected by reform leader Rabbi
Don Schonstein, who said, 'Our legitimacy as Jews flows from the richness of
our Jewish lives, the strength of our communities and most important of all,
our deep and abiding belief in Jesus Christ.' "
"Recent photos sent from the Galileo space probe, orbiting Jupiter's moon Europa,
suggest that it meets the conditions necessary to support a primitive form of life.
Just what kind of life form? You guessed it -- Frank Stallone."
"Oprah Winfrey's long-time boyfriend, Steadman Graham, has written a new book
called, 'You Can Make It Happen: A Nine-Step Plan for Success'. Step No. 1: Become Oprah
"Then the other 8 are just hang around..."
This segment is available in RealAudio format. (43 sec; 83k)
"Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated to Broadcast jer..gaahh"
(clears his throat and comments) "What the fuck was that?"
(audience laughs but he presses on)
"Last weekend in Washington a new museum..."
(now audience realizes implications of a LIVE broadcast and starts cheering)
(Norm sighs)"Aaahhhhh, my farewell performance!"
"Last weekend in Washington a new museum dedicated to Broadcast journalism opened
where visitors can appear on camera and pretend they are newsanchors.
Sofar the museum has been visited more than 200 times by Tabitha Soren."
"In St. Louis, Mississippi, a father who lost joint-custody of his two sons
after undergoing a sex change operation, now plans to ask an appeals court to
reconsider it's ruling that gave sole custody to the boys' mother. Hmmmm, I
wonder who's going to win this case? The mother of the two children, or the
guy who had his penis twisted into a fake vagina?"
It's a tough call. You got the guy who fashioned that vagina like thing
and then the mother...
"In Michigan, state Historical Commission officials say they will not interfere
with the building of a new major league sports stadium even if construction
unearths historical artifacts. However, state Indian Affairs officials say
that if relics from a Native American tribe are found, they would like to have
the land set aside and designated as a sacred tribal burial ground/giant
"The nuclear regulatory comission has warned that an industrial camera, stolen
from a Montana company, could pose a radiation hazard if it's casing is opened.
Note to self: After show remember to close the casing on that industrial camera
that I borrowed from that thing while I was in Montana."
"And finally in California, pet owners can now take their canine friends to the
world's first doggy wedding chapel, where dogs can actually be married in a civil
ceremony. The ceremony ends when the Justice of the Peace says, 'You may now sniff the ass'."
"Alright folks. maybe we'll see you next week!" [referring to using the F-word]
This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.