"Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald and now 'The Fake News'."
"Our top story tonight, embattled House Speaker Newt Gingrich may finally have
solved his financial troubles. On Thursday, Gingrich announced that former Senator
Bob Dole has loaned him $300,000 needed to pay his ethics committee fine. And
today more good news for Gingrich -- Dole has already forgotten he loaned him the
"Meanwhile Gingrich this week criticized Attorney General Janet Reno's
decision not to seek an independent counsel to investigate Democratic fund raising, even
comparing her to notorious Watergate figure John Mitchell. Reno called the
comparison ridiculous, saying 'For one thing, John Mitchell didn't have a
"In an interview this week, with Diane Sawyer, Mafia turncoat Sammy the Bull Gravano
revealed that John Gotti once considered trying to buy a presidential pardon for
5 million dollars. According to Gravano however he and Gotti were too afraid to get involved with
'those kind of people'." (picture shown of the Clinton's)
"According to O.J. Simpson's niece Terry Baker, when O.J.'s mother Eunice
Simpson, first heard about the slaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, 'He did
it!' Reached for comment, O.J. said, 'My mom was just guessing, I hadn't even told her yet.' "
"Secretary of State Madeline Albright has announced that she will represent
the United States this summer at ceremonies marking the transfer of British
Hong Kong to Chinese rule. President Clinton also plans to attend the event,
but he will be representing China."
"This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversary of Jackie Robinson's
entry into major league baseball, there was a sobering reminder that
racial prejudice in sports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shocking move, today,
all but one of the 125 playing members of the Professional Golf Association
signed a petition to ban African American golfers from the tour."
(picture of Tiger Woods shown)
"In Los Angeles this week, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger underwent heart surgery
to repair a faulty heart valve. Doctors were concerned because during a routine examination
of Schwarzenegger they felt a little turned on."
"They became concerned, you know, when something like that will happen, you know."
(pauses, then continues)"That's a pause for thought for whatever..."
"In Indiana, the State legislature has approved a law, requiring professional hypnotists
to be trained at accredited institutions and certified by the State liscensing board.
Note to self: Cancel plans to tour Indiana as hypnotist this summer.
Oh wait, wait. Ignore previous note, instead...
Note to self: Get fake hypnotism diploma and proceed as planned."
(nods to himself with a smug and content grin)
"According to a survey in the new issue of Men's Health Magazine, men are much
more likely to procrastinate than women. Except when it comes to having orgasms."
"Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mail carrier for 27 years,
was fired from his job and now faces up to five years in jail for keeping two
magazines which had been sent to a nonexistent address. Postal officials admit
that they could have let him off with just a warning, but then he wouldn't come
back some day and shoot 30 people."
"They decided to be a little strict."
"Last week in Kansas City, two people that were..., two home, two people..."
(pauses)Oh drat!(big applause)[reference to last week's on-air slip of the F-word]
two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen were married in front of homeless guests
at the very same soup kitchen. For those who want to give the couple a wedding gift,
they're registered at Kansas City's District 5 Recycling Plant."
"In South Dakota, inmates at the State Penitentiary say that a new policy which
allows officials to read their mail is an example of the routine violation of
individual rights in prison. A better example would be the daily anal rapes, but I
guess they want to start off small and then work their way up to the daily anal rapes."
"With the resignation of two police officers in Vergennes, Vermont, the city's 2,500
residents are now left with only one policeman.
Note to self: If I get fired for cursing on the air last week. Drive up to Vergennes,
Vermont, hypnotize the remaining policeman and loot town!"
"And finally, the votes are in and Entertainment Weekly has chosen its 'Funniest Man
Alive'. And who is the 'Funniest Man Alive'?
You guessed it -- Frank Stallone. Congratulations, Frank Stallone!"
"And that's the way it is. Good night."
This transcript was generously provided by Sean Bradley -- we're mighty grateful.
Be sure to visit Sean's site.