Comedy Central cut some jokes at the beggining and in the middle, so there's no pictures or audio to go with the transcript on those parts. Also, I cut out the first part of Will Ferrell’s speech. Hey, if you want Will Ferrell comedy, go somewhere else.
Added to site: March 17, 2002.
May 10th, 1997
Thanks, I'm Norm Macdonald and now the 'Fake News'.
Our top story tonight, in court documents made public this week, independent counsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge that Hillary Clinton is now a 'central figure' in the Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news, President Clinton called the investigation a 'partisan witch hunt', vowing 'If the First Lady is somehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will do everything in my power to wait two weeks to start dating'.
Meanwhile FBI Director Louis Freeh said this week that Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflict of interest in her investigation of Democratic fundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno might have a conflict of interest between her X and Y chromosomes.
There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this week when the parents of the teenage babysitter, with whom he had a 5 year affair, decided not to pursue criminal charges. However, a lawyer for the babysitter's family called Kennedy 'a sick, pathetic individual,' while the County District Attorney described him as an 'alcoholic cradle robber'. Meanwhile, kinder words came from his uncle, Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him 'an inspiration'.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week that after three-and-a-half years of marriage he is seeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According to Trump, Maples violated a part of their marriage agreement when she decided to turn 30.
At their annual convention this week, board members of the National Rifle Association, narrowly elected actor Charlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gun lobby. According to Heston, his first priority will be a push to legalise the hunting of quote 'damn dirty apes'!
In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increase the penalty for bouncing a check. [Norm pulls out tape recorder] Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans in Alabama, find state more accommodating to the Norm MacDonald lifestyle.
On Wednesday world chess champion Gary Kasparov tied Deep Blue, the IBM supercomputer, that can examine 200 million positions per second, in the fourth game of their six game series. Earlier in the week Kasparov admitted he made a catstrophic blunder in game two, when he failed to force a draw by moving rook to E8, opting instead for a Karocan defense that soon transposed into a Pribble defense, which after Deep Blue moved bishop to E7 gave him the advantage with the ninth position. With all due respect to Mr. Kasparov: What the hell were you thinking?!!
NORM: Here with a further comment on the Kasparov/Deep Blue match, is Weekend Update chess correspondent, and building superintendent at 901 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our own Dominican Lou. Hi Dominican Lou.
DOMINICAN LOU: Gracias, gracias. Gracia’. Thank you Norm.
I watching the chess player, ‘gainst the computer Deep Blue. I know how he feels. I play dominos last week with Felix. He live up the block. He always bragging about, no body can beat him. But I bea’ him. I bea’ him, Norm. I bea’ him.
NORM: You beat him?
DL: No, I loose to him. But if I can get the computer to come to my block, then I can teach the computer to play dominos.
NORM: I see so what you’re saying then, is that this is not about you and Felix. This is about the age-old battle of man versus machine.
DL: No, it’s basically about Felix and the mo’chine. Felix versus the mo’chine. You hear that Felix? Normy’s going to bring his computer and he’s gong to give you- he’s going to whop you’ ass!
NORM: No, no, I’m not.
DL: He is not afraid of you and your brothers. Come down to the studio!
NORM: No, no, I am.
DL: Come down here!
NORM: No, don’t do that. I am.
DL: He bust you up good!
NORM: No, I’m afraid of you Felix!
DL: He beat you!
NORM: Dominican Lou, everybody.
DL: Come down!
NORM: No, don’t do that. I’m deathly afraid of Felix!
This week New York Senator Al D'Amato repeated his claim, that during the second World War, Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helped launder money stolen from Jews. These charges are the result of a lengthy, thorough investigation by the Senator which proves 'beyond a shadow of a doubt' that New York has lots and lots of Jewish voters, and no Swiss voters.
Last weekend in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stills & Nash was inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. In addition, a special lifetime achievement award was presented to David Crosby's liver. [picture of liver shown] Congratulations David Crosby's liver.
In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part in his first live online chat May 17, and a record two-and-a-half million calls have already come in from people hoping to have an actual moment of contact with the former Beatle. Although it should be noted, that two million of those calls came from Ringo Starr.
In Washington, D.C., public school officials are asking parents to pay for needed equipment, such as a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that one area school has requested. According to the school's principal, the new system will help him monitor cheerleaders, that he claims like to vandalize school property while showering.
I don't think he is a good principal at all, that character.
And in North Carolina, the Bowman Gray School of Medicine is looking for 20 habitual marijuana smokers who they'll provide with free pot in order to study the effects of the drug. Note to self: Spend summer vacation at Bowman Gray School of Medicine, maybe take Timmy Meadows along with you.
In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idaho county wants the State Transportation Board to designate some of it's roads as 'back-country byways'. To strengthen their case, local officials plan to sexually assault Ned Beatty.
NORM: Well, by now, most of you have seen, or heard, about last week’s episode of “Ellen” in which the main character, played by Ellen DeGeneres, announced that she is gay. Here to comment on “Ellen”, our very on Will Ferrell. Hi Will.
WILL: Hi Norm, thank you. Bla bla bla bla bla. So, Ellen DeGeneres, I salute you. There’s no controversy here. She’s just a damn good comedian, who’s able to get good laughs pretending she’s a lesbian. And if that’s wrong, then that’s my kinda wrong.
NORM: I mean, she wasn’t on the cover of Time Magazine for pretending she was gay. She- she really is gay.
WILL: Ellen DeGeneres is gay, the real Ellen DeGeneres?
NORM: Yes, she’s a lesbian.
WILL: Oh my god, oh- I’m gonna be sick. [Will pukes up all over the desk]
NORM: God, are- are you ok there, buddy? I…
NORM: Will, Will, are you- all you all right?
WILL: No, I’m not!
NORM: It- it- it- it’s not a big deal. Will, it’s ok. It’s ok. She just has- she has sex with- with women, that’s all. She has-
WILL: God, why did you put that dirty, sickening imagine in my mind? Oh no, here it comes again… [Will pukes again]
NORM: Good God, she’s just a lesbian.
WILL: Oh, stop it please! Sto- [More puke, this time aimed at Norm.]
NORM: There’s Will Ferrell everybody! [applause] Will Ferrell.
Well, in Albany, Nork York, Susan John has asked to resign as chairwoman of the State Assembly Alcohol and Drug Abuse Committee following her arrest on drunk-driving charges. On the bright side for Ms. John, she has been asked to chair the Assembly's Committee on Irony. [weak applause]
[Pulls out tape recorder] Note to self: Never ever, follow a vomit-spewing guy with a joke."
[Norm scoops up some of the vomit and eats it, crowd cringes in disgust]
It's good, it's quite good!" [licking his fingers] "Normally I- Normally I don't like Will Ferrell vomit, but this is actually very good!