"Thank you. Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald, and now The Fake News."
"Our top story tonight, tomorrow Chinese President Jiang Zamin begins a week long visit that could define US relations with China for years to come. President Clinton plans to ask Jiang for several things, including human rights reform, trade expansion, and a Chinese herb said to have the power to straighten a bent penis."
"Well, it's official, sportscaster Marv Albert, convicted last month on assault and battery charges, will serve no jail time. But the big story was outside the courthouse, where the second accuser from his trial, Patricia Masten, showed her face in public for the first time. This new development had legal experts asking once again, 'who was the real victim here?'" [ugly picture of Patricia Masten]
"Incidentally, Ms. Masten will be represented in her civil suit by feminist attorney Gloria Alred, who is also quite unattractive."
Norm adds: "No box of chocolates, that one."
"Well this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the internet, and has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just ten years after the earth crashes into the sun."
Norm adds: "He's got a hefty pocketbook."
"According to new medical studies, exposure to secondhand smoke dramatically increases a nonsmoker's risk of getting heart disease and lung cancer. Jubilant tobacco company executives say the study proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that nonsmoking can kill you."
Norm adds: "That one wasn't very good, but... try to laugh anyway, because it helps [host Chris] Farley have a little rest."
"Dr. Jack Kevorkian announced this week that he will start to offer organs taken from his suicide patients to people who need transplants. In addition, Kevorkian promised that anyone who does not get a life-saving organ will receive a free murdering."
"And, in London, British scientists have created a frog embryo without a head, a breakthrough that could lead to the production of headless human clones to provide organs and tissue for transplant, as well as horrific nightmares for the rest of my life."
Norm adds: "I can't deal with this kind of stuff anymore!"
[Commentary from Tracy Morgan, "The Other Black Guy"]
"Well, in Maine, political activists are trying to push through a constitutional amendment that would expand voting rights for the mentally ill. But according to insiders, it's really just a ploy by supporters of Ross Perot."
"And in New Orleans this week, Doonsbury creator Gary Trudeau was honored by the Drug Policy Foundation, a group which seeks to legalize marijuana. Also honored this week by the foundation-- weed!"
Norm adds: "Ah, they honor that every... it's a multiple honoree."
"A Minnesota man is being sued by a woman who claims that he promised to marry her, but called off the wedding after he convinced her brother to give him a kidney. Don't I know it!" [Norm holds up a dripping wet kidney]
"Well, according to fire department officials in Wisconsin, many of the state's communities can't find enough people to be volunteer firefighters. As a possible explanation, officials site the extreme danger of the job, combined with the complete absence of pay."
"Finally, in Milwaukee Wisconsin, a man allowed his 8 year old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory, women can't drive."
"Okay folks, that's the news! Thank you!"
Thank you Russ for providing this transcript.