"Thank you, and now, The Fake News."
"Our top story tonight, Attorney General Janet Reno announced she will not name an independent council to investigate campaign fund raising by the President. At a press conference, she said, quote, 'The decision was mine, it was based on the facts, on the law, not pressure, not politics, not any other factor.' She was then led away at gunpoint by the First Lady and nine Chinese guys."
"Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio this week presiding at a town meeting about race relations in America. The President chose Akron as the site of the meeting partly because it is the home of the Coming Together Project, an organized effort to end racism, and partly because it is the home of Susan Rosenberg, an old classmate from Oxford the President still has sex with."
"The trial of Unabomber suspect Ted Kazynski is underway, his lawyers are making arrangements now to move their client's 10 by 12 foot shack into the courtroom. After the trial, the cabin will be carefully repacked and moved to Hollywood, where it will serve as home to actor Mickey Rourke."
"Well, a sad story from Britain this week. According to the Earl of Spencer, several intruders have recently broken into his family estate, in search of souvenirs from Princess Diana's grave. But the Earl says he knows just how to protect the site -- landmines!"
"This week in the former Soviet Union, an American engineer for a San Diego based company was arrested and charged with spying for the United States. Russian authorities say he was caught attempting to smuggle out their secret formula for alcoholism and despair."
"A new study has found that Americans are in the best of health, and the worst of health, with lifespans that can differ by as much as 40 years from one US locality to another. The longest lifespans are found in Sterns County, Minnesota, while the shortest lifespans are found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey."
"In January production will begin on MTV's The Real World. The seven young people appearing in the series will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual orientations. However, this year will share one trait in common-- I will hate them."
"In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a service that would allow customers to learn the address of any listed telephone number in the state. Critics say the service would be an invasion of privacy, while proponents of the plan say it will help them invade people's privacy."
"On Tom Snyder this week, actor Tony Danza said he thought the recent open display of affection by lesbian couple Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche in front of President Clinton was extremely disrespectful. On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded, 'Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!'"
"Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes."
"Well, earlier this week, folks, police made a gruesome discovery in the closet of a Bronx apartment-- the body of an elderly woman. The woman had been dead for some time, and her corpse had, in fact, been mummified. Here with more on this case is the policeman who discovered the body, Officer Lou Costello."
[Nathan Lane comes out, as Lou Costello]
NORM: Now, Officer Costello, why don't you tell the folks here what happened?
LOU: Well, I... [starts wheezing hysterically and making hand motions]
NORM (DOING BUD ABBOT IMPRESSION): Okay, now listen, pull yourself together, these people don't want to hear that nonsense! Ridiculous! Completely ridiculous! These people have no reason to hear this! They want to hear about the mummified corpse!
LOU: Mum-mum-mum-mum... [stuttering]
NORM: Now don't be ridiculous! Now listen, listen, let me put it this way, you're an officer of the law, aren't you?
LOU: Of course!
NORM: And you must have written a report, a police report?
LOU: Why, certainly.
NORM: Well, then why don't you tell them what you wrote in the police report?
LOU: Well, my partner and I went into the apartment, and I smelled somethin', I smelled it, and it was comin' from the bedroom, so I went in there, and I opened the closet, and inside, there was a... mum-mum-mum... a mum-mum-mum... a mummy!
NORM: What're you talking about? Your mother was in the closet? What was she doing there?
LOU: Not my mummy, a mum-mum-mum... [starts wheezing again]
NORM: All right, come on now!" [Hits Lou] "Pull yourself together, you're an officer of the law for God's sake! What're you getting so excited for?
LOU: I'm a-scared!
NORM: Well, this is ridiculous. Allright, forget this, we're getting nowhere.
LOU: You're telling me.
NORM: Let me ask you this.
LOU: You know, that's why Bud and I broke up, he hit him too hard.
NORM: Now, let me ask you this, now, finally, Officer Costello. Now the 70th precinct, that's your precinct, the precinct you work in, has been recently accused of brutalizing suspects and then maintaining a police code of silence. Now let me ask you this, Officer Costello, were you involved in this?
LOU: I'm a baaad boy!
NORM: Oh, Lord. Officer Lou Costello everyone! This is ridiculous!
[Nathan Lane starts beating Norm with his hat as Norm breaks out of his Abbot character]
NORM: And that's the news folks-- what're you doing?!?
Thank you Russ for providing this transcript.