EDITOR'S NOTE: Here it is. Little did Norm know it'd be his swan song. In hindsight, Colin's "Angry Drunk" bit seems eerily prophetic. -N!
[Applause.] Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news. Our top story tonight: This week, following revelations that he lied about his military service, the body of former diplomat and Democratic contributor Larry Lawrence was removed from Arlington Cemetery. Commenting on the affair, an angry President Clinton called it, "The most outrageous deception regarding one's military service since: me!" [Laughter.]
TWA Flight 800
At a press conference this week, FAA officials studying last year's crash of TWA flight 800, announced that they have pinpointed the cause: a frayed wire leading from the jet's fuel tank. According to the investigators, the wire became frayed when it was struck by a missile. [Laughter.] That'll fray a wire.
Golden State Warrior's star Latrell Sprewell, suspended last week for attacking and choking his coach, has hired attorney Johnny Cochran to represent him. At a press conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client did not choke his coach, and even offered a reward to help find the real chokers. [Laughter.]
President Clinton met this week with Chinese dissident Wei Jingsheng, a leading advocate of democracy in China, who had been imprisoned and tortured for nearly 18 years. However, the meeting had to be abruptly cut short when the president learned Mr. Jingsheng is broke. [Laughter.]
At a congressional hearing this week, Republicans blasted Attorney General Janet Reno for her refusal to investigate White House fund raising. Responding to criticisms, Reno said, "Wow! Some congressmen must really want their homes firebombed and run over by tanks! Huh?" [Laughter.]
Well, our best wishes to North Carolina Senator Jessie Helms, who at 76-years-old, recently underwent surgery to repair an old knee injury. Doctors say the senator will nolonger need his cane for walking, but Helms says he will continue to use it to scare off young whippersnappers. [Laughter.] Nothing better than a cane to scare off young whippersnappers.
This week, computer hackers broke into Yahoo!, the internet's most popular website, and vowed to unleash a crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is not released from prison. Experts warn that catching these cyber terrorists will not be an easy task, and may require the cooperation of both nerds and geeks. [Laughter.]
Well, President Clinton received an early Christmas present this week -- an adorable Labrador puppy. And, presidential historians say that it will be good for his image. According to these scholars, in comparison to a male dog, the president's sex life will seem relatively normal. [Laughter.]
Colin Quinn: Angry Drunk
NORM: Well, the recent bailout of South Korea by the International Monetary Fund is having ramifications that will be felt globally, here with a comment is our own Colin Quinn. Hey, Col. [Applause.]
COLIN: [Drunk.] Thanks, Norm. You know, Norm. The International Monetary Fund is abrout to bring -- about to bring its own type -- what?!
NORM: You had a little egg nog, huh Colin?
COLIN: [Angry.] Yes! I had a little egg nog. The International Monetary Fund -- I'm sorry I don't live up to your standards of supposed excellence in how to act. [Laughter.] My -- I can't -- You sit here like its a sophisticated part of the show, or something. You know. [Knocks over egg nog.]
NORM: Oh, you seem to have had a little spill there, huh, Col. [Laughter.]
COLIN: I've soiled your precious little "Update" desk, from which the oracle will enlighten us. While all of us -- you sit up at your desk like the anti-hero, like some contentious Canadian -- Leonard Cohen as "Weekend" anchor, or something. [Laughter.]
NORM: Leonard Cohen? I don't even know who that is.
COLIN: Don't be ridiculous, Norm. You're a ridiculous person. [Laughter.]
NORM: Look, Colin, you'd better watch out. You know, if Lorne [Michaels] sees this, you're in big trouble.
COLIN: [Laughs.] Yeah, we don't want to upset the boss at the office Christmas party. He might not give us our little movie deal like the Roxbury twins or whatever the hell -- [Laughter.]
NORM: OK! Alright! That's enough! Get him out of here, guys. Come on. [Security officer grabs Colin.]
COLIN: [Struggling.] Get off me! Get him off me, Norm! Get him off me!
NORM: Well, are you going to stop?
COLIN: Get off me!
NORM: Are you going to stop?
COLIN: Get him off me and I'll tell you!
NORM: Well, you just say you're going to stop first.
COLIN: Alright, Norm, I'll stop. Get him off!
NORM: Alright, let him go. [Security releases him.]
COLIN: You're messed up, Norm! You're bush league, Norm! You're light weight! [Leaves.]
NORM: Colin Quinn, everybody. [Applause.]
Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurant refused to seat him, O.J. Simpson demanded and got $500 in compensation. In addition, the restaurant must now offer separate murderer and non-murderer sections. [Laughter.]
Women vs. Men
Who are safer drivers? Men, or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in the pie graphs do not add up to 100%, because the math was done by a woman. [Laughter./Hisses.] For those of you hissing at that joke , it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman. [Laughter.] So, now you don't know what the hell to do. Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women. [Laughter.]
Hard Rock Cafe
Tel Aviv's Hard Rock Cafe, which is sandwiched between the sites of two gruesome suicide-bombings, has closed due to slumping tourism in Israel. Also contributing to the closing of the Hard Rock, the restaurant's best piece of rock memorabilia is Henry Kissenger's ukulele. [Laughter.]
Bozo the Clown
Well, a sad story from the world of entertainment this week. Actor Bob Bell, better known to millions as Bozo the Clown, has died at the age of 75. Commenting on his passing, President Clinton said, "You know, for $50,000 he can be buried next to JFK." [Laughter.]
The Last Story!
Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors that actor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Francisco socialite Denise Hale. An observer who spotted the couple necking in a restaurant, will have trouble getting an erection for the rest of his life. [Laughter.] That's the news folks, thanks! [Applause.]